Other than stuffing our faces with lots and lots (and lots) of food, the festive period is also a great time to reflect on the past 12 months. *Shudders*
Forgetting Brexit, Bowie and Trump for just a few moments, it has – for film – been a mixed bag, really. Before the world descended into mayhem, we began the year with the masterful Room, the hard-hitting Spotlight and, erm, Deadpool… Not bad, right? Yet after the Oscar contenders and the Merk with a Mouth, 2016 hasn’t been the most inspiring for cinema.
Yeah, there’s been a few stand-outs a long the way that I’ll talk about at a later date (don’t die of anticipation, will you?), but it’s all been a bit Joe Allen rather than a Messi or a Suarez. Fortunately, that means there hasn’t been too many stinkers either -but a few toilet blockers have, as ever, slipped through Hollywood’s money-chasing net, and, my friends, below I’ve picked five of the worst.
It always kills me inside (as I imagine it does for the star itself) when you see an acting great clearly chasing the dollar signs by signing up for something so putrid you’d not wish it upon your own worst enemy. Nine Lives – a movie about a talking cat that’s not Garfield – involves not one, but two, Oscar winners destroying their souls: Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken.
The latter’s made a few questionable career choices over the past decade or so, but Spacey has no excuses. If it was a cute-but-forgettable family flick you could kind of forgive them, but given how utterly pointless Nine Lives is, you can’t.
What do you get when you cross author Dan Brown with Ron Howard, Tom Hanks and a selected female protagonist? Wait for it, wait for it… Another horribly boring book adaptation.
Inferno, or as Radio 1 film critic Ali Plumb rightly re-titled it, Expedition: The Movie, it’s just a lot of well-respected actors (looking remarkably dead between the eyes) explaining the plot to one another in exasperated voices.
It’s just plain bad. Like, really bad. Oh, and very boring – which is even more unforgivable. At least Hanks and Jones (who was this films’ chosen female lead) redeemed themselves later in 2016.
Gods of Egypt
Shiny stuff, CGI, CGI, Gerald Butler, space monsters: Gods of Egypt, ladies and gents.
Alex Proyas’ action-fantasy went big on effects and miniature on plot, story-telling and everything else needed to make a half-decent flick. At least Gerard channelled a bit of his 300 shtick. Oh, and Geoffrey Rush does something funny in space.
Tammy was rubbish and The Boss – another team-up between Melissa McCarthy and her director-hubby, Ben Falcone – is even more of an unfunny mis-fire than its lame predecessor.
I watched this film on the day I learnt a dear family member had passed away. A ‘comedy’ I thought would be a wise idea. A ‘comedy’ it ain’t. This tale of a multi-millionaire businesswoman crashing and burning to then re-invent herself is a screwed up, loud-mouthed stinker. Melissa, you can do better.
My eyes! My eyes! Not many films leave my rubbing my eyes in bemusement, but witnessing Robert DeNiro – an acting god – masturbating wildly in his arm chair is something I’ll, unfortunately, never be able to unsee.
Dirty Grandpa goes for gross and succeeds, yet not how it intended it. Seeing the Raging Bull star – with an often bare-chested Zac Efron by his side – destroy his soul one offensive gag at a time is enough to declare Dan Mazer’s religiously humourless, crude and charmless mess the biggest whopper of 2016.